How to be a Stay At Home Mom in 15 easy steps

How to be a Stay At Home Mom (AKA Mom who “doesn’t work”) to an almost-three-week-old:

  1. Diaper
  2. Nurse
  3. Burp
  4. Wow, that’s a lot of spit-upimage
  5. New outfit for everyone!
  6. Nurse
  7. Burp
  8. Diaper
  9. You’re peeing right now? Already?
  10. OK, diaper again
  11. Nurse
  12. He’s asleep! Quick! Choose very carefully from the following options: “sleep while the baby sleeps” (yeah right) – eat something that requires two hands to find, prepare, or consume – pee! even poop without yelling to crying infant “sorry bud, mom has to poop sometimes too!” – shower during daylight hours – zone out on phone – review every photo you have taken of baby so far while crying – wash laundry – fold growing mound of laundry on guest bed – sweep up mountains of dog hair in kitchen – pay attention to actual dog, who is still a living creature you’re committed to caring for, remember? – work on some creative project or household organization endeavor that you feel suddenly totally compelled and equipped to embark on – research diaper rash/colors of healthy baby poop – shop online for fancy nursing clothes, sandals, or non-maternity jeans you can’t afford – etc. etc. etc.
  13. Go get crying, awake baby
  14. Spend next 1-5 hours cursing self for choosing incorrectly
  15. Repeat.

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